The name's Englishman....Drunk Englishman...

Today is the anniversary of my Grandmother's death. It also happens to be the day before my birthday and I feel shit today, as I do every 11th January. I was about 11 or 12 when my Grandma died and I'm 32 tomorrow. You would have thought that 20-21 years after I would have felt a bit better by now. Thing is I idolized her and even now I miss her like crazy. Everytime I want someone to talk to, I just hate the fact she's not here.

Every year, it hits me hard. Equally as hard as it did the year before and sometimes more so, but the fact is that the years I did experience with her will always be in my heart. I can still smell the smell I used to do when I walked into her house, I still remember the fabric of her couch when I used to sit on it and I still remember the way she hugged me.

Of course, it's upsetting as it is every year. Thing is, they say time is a good healer. I tend to disagree because sometimes, time can't heal shit. That's just the way it is. Time goes by as it always does and time is responsible for nothing.

I'm not bitter about the fact that such an amazing woman passed through my life so quickly. I'm just sad that I didn't get the chance to hug her again, or get her a glass or wine again or sit and play cards with her. I'm sad that now I know what love is, I can't tell her that I love her or miss her.

This time of year is never the best time for me. It's pretty bloody crap actually! Another year older and missing someone so much it hurts, even though you never really knew them, but you loved them anyway, despite all their faults they may have.

I'd like to thank Laine for making today pass better than it has in the past 20 odd years and baby, I want to tell you I love you, from the bottom of my heart, to the top and all the dribbles of love that have made a puddle underneath because my heart is overflowing.

I love you Laine. I'm sorry I'm so difficult this time of year and thank you, thank you for being so supportive.